Exhaustion

He is a constant companion.
His talons creep up my skin
And he reaches to caress
The haven of my existence:
My mind.
He snatches it
And captures it
And locks it
In the cell of a prison,
Debilitating it with shackles
Until it can no longer function.
It writhes, wrestles, retches -
Releases.

But it was never good for Adam to be alone:
This is what he moans as he thrashes into my soul.
He shreds at the doors of the temple
In which the Sacred dwells,
The sanctuary of all the emotions I have ever felt:
My heart.
He punctures it until it is drained of its color.
It drags behind him,
Limping and lagging,
Empty of power.

And so they sit in chains:
My mind and my heart,
An arms width apart,
Their heads hanging low;
Wearily weeping,
Worn and wailing,
Unwillingly so.

The cells in my mind become like
That in which it's confined:
Cold and lifeless.
I can no longer think on you as I ought to.
The streams of my intellect and memory are
Boiled into a vapor, reduced to
Nothing more than a hazy stupor.

The blood in my heart freezes like ice after dark.
I can no longer smile on you as I long to.
My affections are eclipsed by my deficiencies,
Veiled by the nagging awareness of all my needs.

One day,
He may leave me.
He may be slain and stabbed
And breathe his last.
Or, he may cleave to me
Until I am frozen and lain in a casket.
But this relieves me:
This momentary affliction is
Preparing for me an eternal
Weight of glory.
Soon will my mind be restored;
Cells will crash and explode
From all they can know.
My heart will burst and colors will flow:
Reds and blues and purples and greens
And oranges and yellows and electricity -
Shocks from the sparks of your brilliance blasting
Out of the passion of your presence.

My rightful condition is this:
To eternally exist
In perfect strength and energy,
Echoing the noises of creation
And the voices of the ages,
The song of all eternity:
Holy,
Holy,
Holy,
Is he who holds the key
To life and
Death and
The prison in which
Exhaustion had me kept. 

Love's Elements

It's like a fire that courses its way through my veins,
A fire that scorches away all the pain,
The guilt and the shame, I'm never the same,
Like gold, I'm refined in the heat of its flame.

And just like an ocean, it beckons and roars,
I drown in its notion, I'm swept to its floors;
Its waves crash down doors that I've built up before
And its tide reaches me on the most distant of shores.

And like a Nor'easter that devastates me,
I'm stripped of my pride and I'm brought to my knees.
The passion of the wind is what makes me believe,
And the breeze is my promised portion of peace.

And just like the earth that I tread, it is true.
By its fruit I am fed, by its Sun I'm renewed.
It is steady, unfailing, and messy though couth.
In its soil I am grown, I am fixed to the root. 

Reflections of the Night

At the end of each day
There is only one thing
To which
I can
Attest
When the sun fades away
And my thoughts lose their sting
Yes then
I can
Confess:

You are good and you are faithful
You are ever true and stable
You're my solid rock and anchor
In a sea of constant danger

The chaos of the day
Conceals these hidden things
That you,
Your love
Is best
Night's innocence displays
The glory of the King
Which puts
My soul
At rest.

The Father of Lies vs. The Father of Mine

He whispers, tongue slithers
Wraps himself round your conscience, shameless.
Sets his eyes on his next grand prize:
You.
Innocent you, awakened to truth
Illumined by light, never so perfect a victim
And so he begins to abuse and confuse
Sticks his foot through the door and you start to lose
Any conviction you once had regarding the Truth.
I've been held captive by his games, I hate them, despise them
Because now you're believing nothing but lies and
Your heart can't believe the truth though your mind does
He delights to see you suffocate in thoughts so mindless
Coughing and choking, you find yourself in an ocean
Desperate to escape but fooled into the notion
That He doesn't love you enough to save you
As if he's surprised by your silly mistakes, you
Don't get that he knew this would happen when he called you
He still did it, he still loves you, he still died, and he still wants you.
He's got a power that's stronger than any grip of the enemy
And his grip of your hand is unconditional, for eternity
Lies are merely the antithesis to everything he is
When you're weakened in your spirit, have faith, you're safe in His
He'll help you swim to the door of freedom, hope, and liberty
He's already unlocked it -- his scars hold the key.

In Light of the Truth

Morning by morning I wake and partake
In the reflection of myself, but the mirror's a mistake
It spews at me lies and it blindfolds my eyes
Its deceptions are my chains and its falsehoods my ties
It tells me though there's mercy every morning, I'm not worthy
To receive it, don't deserve it, cause I'm worthless and I'm dirty
Though He died for my forgiveness, I just somehow can't accept it
Because failing, I continue, without fail, till I'm rejected
But I need to see myself in light of the truth
I need to see myself in light of the truth

(chorus)
The truth is I have been reborn
And I'm purified, I'm white as snow
The truth is I have a power in me
Who's strength brings life out of my misery
And births forth freedom from my captivity
The truth is I've traded my sorrow for rejoicing,
Ashes for beauty and my mourning for dancing
You are the Truth and I'm hidden in you
In light of the truth I am beautiful and new

Evening by evening dejectedly you lay
Delusions clog your mind like waves crash violently at bay
Another failed attempt, another waste of a day
You're not worth the breath you breathe, your existence is in vain
But you forget the path that's paved, and the death that made a way
The debt he died to pay, and the lives that have thus been saved
All of this, all of this, to release your mind from lies
You're worthy, oh you're worthy, one drop of his blood has cleansed your life

(chorus)

A Brokenhearted Cry

You bid me to come, your arms open wide
But I'd rather retreat into a ball and hide
My dirt-smeared face and blood-splattered hands
Disguise all my brokenness as if you can't
See it and heal it and make me new
No I'm far too dirty for pure hands like you

Why is it so hard to forgive myself when you've already done it all for me
Why is it so hard to accept myself when you look at me and see no iniquity

No iniquity, ha, what eyes do you use
Show me cause I wanna see the way you do
You're not the problem, no you never were
How could you be, perfection is your character
It's me who hinders and me who impedes
It's me who refuses to see what you see
I'm drenched in guilt, shame hugs me tight
From the bottom of my broken heart I cry
I'm sorry for my stubbornness, my foolishness and lack
In taking hold of the liberty you died to give back
My blackened heart sinks in a pool of despair
And I cry with all that's left in there:

I need you, I need you, there's nothing left to say
I need you, I need you, I just can't bear to live this way

Stubborn

What do you when you just don't want
The thing that you know that you need
And what do you do when you know that you need
The thing that you just don't want?

The Royal Wedding

I would rather be the royalty I am: the daughter of the King,

While at the same time be the nobody I am; since You live instead of me --

Than be deified in the public eye,

Leave behind a name and make my mark worldwide,

While all the while knowing as soon as I die,

My inheritance and possessions will uselessly lie.

In this life I may be just an unknown little girl,

Occupying a portion of her unknown little world;

But I know when I go home and the sight of Your glory bows me down,

You yourself will be patiently waiting to adorn me with my own crown.

Broken Mirror

I'm a broken mirror

Shattered fragments

Sharp at the edges

Scattered on magnets

Untidy and unwhole

Missing pieces in my soul

I never please those who come to me

They hate the reality of what they see

For the only thing I can really offer them is

A reflection of their broken selves in my broken image

But if I can reflect You,

It makes it all worthwhile.

If it's Your beauty that shines,

No matter how broken my smile,

Then my existence is persistence

And your sustenance is my deliverance.

It's Easier to Run

There's a pit that I find myself in
Time and time again
It's dark and grungy, soiled and lonely,
Eight feet deep
And I can feel my death loitering
Lingering, lobbying, luring me
Calling me, singing my name
And it's all because of you
And this life that you lead me to
You're so perfect I can never compare to you
So I keep f a i l i n g and

falling
Eight feet deep
Crying and calling
pleasecomerescueme
But it's silence I'm steeped in
Your voice is now so foreign
I forget what it's like to be held by your love
And instead I'm wrapped in depression
Despair, demise, destruction
Are the blankets that cover me
But I'd rather taste death
Than live my life without your company
And it's in these moments that I say

It's easier to run
To put you in the past
To turn my back, pick up my sack
Pretend you never were

It's easier to run
Because it's then when I feel numb
I no more feel the pain and shame
That come with knowing your love

It's easier to run
Cause naturally I'm cowardly
But I won't, dear God, I promise I won't
Because I know you're faithful to me
And faithful you will forever be

Kaleidoscope of Colors

Pressing her palms against her eyelids,
She pushes, there's pressure, it's pulsing, producing
A kaleidoscope of colors.
In them she views
A face with her hues
Colors of red, orange, yellow, and broken
Blue, purple, green, and ugly
Teal, hopeless, brown, nothing
Nothing, she sees, intricately woven
Throughout an abstraction of images,
A kaleidoscope of colors

Hopeless

If the devil,
Once an angel,
Clothed in white,
Much holier than I,
Was cast out of Your presence
Because of his pride, his greed, his desire to be You,
How much more do I deserve to be thrown out of Your sight?
For through my futile attempts
To independently manage the structures of my life,
I attempt to be You:
Strong enough to get by on my own,
Yet disillusioning myself
With my own falsely painted canvas
Of unattainable hope.

[written December 13, 2010]

If Christmas Had a Heart, It Would Harbor a Gaping Hole

Mistletoes and Santa's clothes

Elfish ears and Rudolph's nose

Large pine trees and snowy streets

Eggnog milk and ginger treats

Mittens, scarves, hats, and boots

All he wants is his missing tooth

Red poinsettias and hanging wreaths

Fireplaces and presents beneath

Ribbons, scissors, masses of tape

Apples, cinnamon, round fruit cakes

The green Grinch in his greedy lair

Stockings hang by the chimney with care

Cookies and milk set the night before

Elves painting toys in the cold north pole

Ornaments and nutcracker toys

Dolls for girls, footballs for boys

Homemade fudge and jingle bells

Mint and pomegranate smells

Candy stripes of red and white

Window displays of beaming lights

Mulled wine and warm mince pies

Sleigh bells ring from way up high

Rocking around the Christmas tree

A miniscule scene of the nativity

Mommy kissing the big red man

Daddy in the kitchen cooking the ham

The heart of Christmas beats fast, and steady

So many themes to make us feel ready!

But if on my birthday, the spotlight is on me,

Why is that not the case for the King?

I bid you remember, remember the reason

We're given the blessing of such a season

Quite the excitement to partake in all of these delights

But we would never know Christmas if it weren't for Christ.

[written December 16, 2010]

The Scarlet Letter

"Come now, let us reason together," says the Lord. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool." Isaiah 1:18

Crimson red, a stain so contrite

A black so bright, it pierces straight through the night

Scarlet tissues, scarlet veins

Scarlet, crimson, blood-stained hands

The guilt of our lives plastered flat on our chest

We're dirty, dishonest, disobedient, depressed

The hope that rode on the flaming tongues

Once burned in our souls but now is expunged

Come now, let us reason together

A sentence to death, we deserve no better

Though our sins are like scarlet, they're washed white as snow

A white no eye on earth could ever know

The guilt of our future, our present, our past

Hypocrisy so clear they see through us like glass

We're supposed to be the church, meant to be just like Christ

But all they see hanging on us is a tag with a price

That price is death, but no longer it dangles

It was nailed to the tree with the wrists and the ankles

Our sins abundant, yet our sins no more

A peace that surpasses while our souls are at war

Come now, let us reason together

A sentence to death, we deserve no better

Though are sins are like scarlet, they're washed white as snow

A white no eye on earth could ever know

[written March 10, 2010]

Waves

love like an ocean

drowning my sorrows

retreating from the shoreline

unearthing my withered shells, sticks and stones

yet cleansing them all the same

[written October 14, 2010]

Droplets

A red droplet plummets down onto the skin of my blackened arm,

It resonates white.

Pure white.

Pure, blindingly, shockingly white.

(What is it about the red that transforms the black into the white?)

I look up and see another droplet drip off the death of His dangling doom.

One by one the droplets plop

And with the bursting of each seed of blood upon my skin

I am developed into white, pure white, blinding white, shocking white,

Like the negative of a photograph is developed into its intended image after its exposition to light.

Although in this instance my skin is exposed to red

A red that has been so brutally tormented, so falsely accused, so ignorantly rejected, so violently punished, so obscenely forsaken.

(What is it about the red that transforms the black into the white?)

The power of His blood, His sweat, His tears,

All fused together into one bead of liberty

Of which thousands and thousands fall from the two wooden planks

Trickling from his beaten, bloodied, bruised and battered body

Onto my soiled, sullied, smeared, stained and sinful skin.

I am the color of darkness

I am the absence of light

I am unworthy and unclean,

the lowest of lowlies

that my skin deserves not even the touch of His contaminated blood.

Yet I can do naught but stand in the way of the droplets.

For no matter where I traverse,

The red will always drip,

The black will always skirmish,

And the white will always prevail.

[written November 29, 2010]

untitled

One who sees need in his own family

But does nothing about it,

What does that make him?

A criminal bystander,

An apathetic witness of disaster,

And the blood is the guilty proof.

[written November 13, 2010]

Psalm 18:6

"In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears." Psalm 18:6 (NIV)

A simple small cry
muttered from the corners of my lips
like a balloon unconsciously felted
from the clasp of a child's hands
floating up to the heavens:
God save me.
God hears the cry
and catches the balloon
while my brain has already
returned to its high-wired pace of thinking.
The cry is gone.
I think of it no more. A split second my brain has dwelled on it.
Meanwhile
God dwells on it. He latches onto it,
proud of His child. He is needed.
He is desired.
The balloon pops with the touch of His finger,
and the fragments of despair are
transformed
into the remnants of
hope,
remnants which scatter back to me on earth.
Hope showers me.
Hope clings to me.
Hope saves me.

[written August 2009]